Conflicts with parents: how to prevent them and foster healthy family relationships.

We present the next publication in the "Psychologist for Teenagers" series. Psychologist Aigul Suindyokova will discuss conflicts. You will learn how to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy conflicts, how to guide communication with parents in a positive direction, and where to turn if the situation at home becomes threatening.

Currently, the issue of conflicts between parents and children is very relevant, particularly due to the rapid pace of social and technological changes. The internet has opened access to a variety of information sources, and social networks are forming new ways of communication and self-expression. The older generation may not fully understand these changes.

Teenagers are increasingly adopting Western trends in music, fashion, and behavior. This can create conflicts with traditional Kazakh norms. The use of English language and slang has increased, which creates a communication barrier. The emergence of professions in artificial intelligence and digital marketing causes confusion among parents who are accustomed to traditional career paths.

A vast array of virtual entertainment (computer games, online streaming, and virtual reality) is becoming the primary form of leisure. Children are spending less time outdoors and engaging in sports activities. Parents are concerned about their children's health.

In search of better opportunities, many families move from rural areas to cities. Lifestyles, values, and worldviews are changing. Parents may find it difficult to adapt, while teenagers may feel a lack of support.

The education system is introducing teaching methods that are unfamiliar to most parents. The increasing demands for academic achievement create additional stress for teenagers and may also be perplexing for parents.

Requests for psychological assistance in the context of family conflicts are varied. I will mention only the most common ones:

Such situations can negatively impact the mental and emotional well-being of young individuals.

The topic of family conflicts is extensive. Generally speaking, conflict is a natural part of human relationships. However, not all conflicts are the same.

Constructive conflict is a clash of interests, opinions, or goals. The objective is to solve the problem. The methods of communication involve open dialogue and active listening. Participants control their emotions and strive for understanding. As a result, the situation improves, and relationships develop.

The main characteristics of constructive conflicts include:

As a result of constructive conflicts, the level of trust and mutual understanding increases, effective solutions are found, and participants develop skills in self-reflection and communication. Such conflicts lead to positive changes, problem-solving, and strengthened relationships.

In destructive conflicts, clashes lead to a deterioration of relationships, increased tension, and can cause both emotional and physical harm. The goal of such conflict is dominance, imposing one’s viewpoint, or punishment.

Aggression, manipulation, and ignoring are used as communication methods. The emotional atmosphere is uncontrolled and aggressive, with everyone blaming each other and being defensive. The result is a worsening of relationships.

Destructive conflicts are characterized by the following traits:

As a result of a destructive conflict, trust and respect are lost, and anxiety levels rise. This can lead to a decreased desire for positive involvement in relationships.

However, there is a way out. A destructive conflict can be transformed into a constructive one, allowing the problem to be resolved. Here’s what needs to be done:

Strive to understand and accept your own and others' imperfections. While it is essential to work on self-improvement, perfection has no limits; mistakes and failures will always occur. This is precisely because each person has the freedom to choose, and mistakes can happen.

Conflicts are inevitable, but our approach to them determines whether they become a source of growth or destruction.

In adolescence, conflicts with parents are a normal part of the process of separation and maturation.

Healthy conflicts can be identified by the following signs:

Such conflicts promote personal development and help establish new, more mature family relationships, provided that the parent does not adopt a destructive position.

In unhealthy relationships with parents, conflicts become daily occurrences and are accompanied by physical or verbal aggression. A teenager may perceive throwing things as normal, expressing aggression, and snapping back even when the parent does not provoke them. The child may attempt to isolate themselves completely, refuse to communicate, insult, mock, or ignore family rules.

In the long run, the consequence of difficult relationships with parents can be low self-esteem, a sense of misunderstanding and rejection, which diminishes self-confidence. A person may begin to avoid crisis or confusing situations due to chronic fear. They hide or run away from conflicts that need resolution. They may agree with everything, become very accommodating, often fall victim to manipulation, and ultimately find themselves as helpless victims.

Alternatively, behavior may take on the pattern of an attacker, a protester, and a person who doubts everything. Such a person constantly goes against something, even when they are wrong. They never acknowledge their faults and seek flaws in others to validate their anxiety. This reaction is driven by feelings of anger.

Both scenarios are detrimental. Such patterns create difficulties in communication and establishing trusting relationships. Anxiety or depressive states may develop. Constant stress and pressure can lead to psychological disorders. The risk of antisocial behavior increases.

Communicate calmly. Strive to express your thoughts without aggression and accusations. A common question arises: how can I do this if I am provoked? Do not give in to provocations. A person is characterized by what they emit, what comes from them, not from others. We are not free from how others treat us, but we are free in our choice of reaction.

During a conflict, express your feelings. Use "I" statements. Say, "I feel...", "It is important to me...", "For me, it is valuable...". Seek compromise, show respect. Acknowledge the parents' right to their viewpoint, expecting the same in return. If parents do not grant this right, remember that for you, it is a challenge not to repeat parental imperfections in your adult life.

If dealing with conflict situations is challenging, seek help. Discuss the problem with a trusted adult or a specialist.

Is there an important conversation to be had? Choose an appropriate time for it. Do not try to discuss important matters when parents are tired or busy. Observe their mood, find the right moment, and begin the discussion.

Be sure to prepare for this conversation. Think in advance about what you want to say and how to phrase it. Try to anticipate the desired or possible solution; this will increase the chances of a positive outcome.

During the conversation, listen actively. Show the elders that you value their opinion, even if you disagree with it. This may be difficult, but try to understand your parents' feelings and motives. Like the "green paste" method, look for the strong, bright sides of your parents. Gradually, the "red paste" will decrease.

Take responsibility for creating trusting relationships, as a conflict involves at least two parties. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to improve the relationship?" Remember: the situation changes when we change. However, in destructive conflicts, people often try to change the other person.

If relationships with parents are so complicated that they pose health risks, ignoring this is not an option. It is crucial to take action. Seek help from a school psychologist or educator. Some turn to friends for support, who then raise the alarm in search of help.

Where else can you seek help? Here are some options:

If there are threats or acts of violence in your family, keep evidence.

To ensure that conflicts benefit your family and strengthen relationships with parents, it is essential to practice open dialogue skills, encourage communication, and share opinions. Parents should familiarize themselves with new technologies and trends to better understand their children's interests.

It is necessary to learn to respect both traditions and innovations while preserving cultural values, accepting, and supporting aspirations for development and self-realization. Joint activities are very important for a strong family.

Remember: evil comes to an empty place. Destruction develops when there is a lack of parental authority (do not confuse with authoritarianism), when values of creativity, creation, kindness, love, and other positive meanings are absent in the family.